Biology of Love

by Steve Trivett

Recognising our concerns

Why do we care about the consequences of our action? Is it that we have ethical concerns about honesty and self-respect? Research evidence from the work of Cognitive Biologist, Humberto Maturana suggests that love is biological, a body disposition and a state of our nervous system. A pioneer in the ontology of living systems, he observed that . . .

“love is the radical acceptance of the other – as a legitimate other – in coexistence with me.” Humberto Maturana

Being more human

Fear and the lack of trust can disturb the flow of our life, so much so that we look for connections and conversations to help us be ourselves and be liked by others. Facebook feeds off this basic human need to feel loved. Neuroscience is now telling us that the thinking and emotional parts of our brain are intimately connected.

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return” Jeffrey P. Dennis

If we are able to “be” together, “be” trustworthy in our dealings with each other, and “be” ourselves, we will “be” more human in our relationships. The love comes from “feeling” welcomed and valued, “feeling” safe and reassured, “feeling” content and lighthearted, and “feeling ” grateful for the company and appreciation of others.

This may seem an ideological understanding of human beings, but you know in your heart that it’s what you yearn for.

“Love allows the space for someone to be beside you” Francesco Varela

Emotional Literacy

We have to remember that when we feel love it’s not because another person is loving towards us, but because that is the way we choose to see them. It’s your love and your responsibility. Love is your responsibility to be aware of and act out as you choose. It is no longer acceptable to say that someone else made us make love to them. When we take responsibility for our emotions we can choose the ones that serve us to create the life we want. An emotion is a judgement we make

For example, when a loved one suffers from dementia, a child is hurt or your partner has had a bad day at work, what they need is a sanctuary, a refuge where they can be accepted and get the reassurance to regain their emotional stability. We know from our experience how fear and danger can have a detrimental effect on our decision-making and relationships. A loving mind state manifests itself as gratitude, trust, compassion, empathy, acceptance, care, respect, kindness, affection, intimacy, etc. Acceptance creates space for exploring possibilities, sharing our thoughts and feelings and considering how the stress of uncertainty can be addressed.

“Love expands intelligence and enables creativity” Humberto Maturana

Intimacy

Love is the fundamental emotion that allows human social life to happen, generating a desire to cooperate. It enables families and communities to exist. Love is what we search for and take action to get. We enjoy caring for others and want to collaborate with those who care about what we care about. It is fundamental to our conserving tendency. It allows us to feel a sense of belonging, protected, welcomed, comforted, appreciated and reassured. It brings contentment, optimism, health, light-heartedness and respect for simple pleasures.

What changes the game for leaders is reorienting themselves towards emotions such as love or anger, thereby creating a space for constructive ways of recognising the emotion when it is observed in others or is first realised in ourselves.

It can be helpful to ask:

Where is the sensation coming from and how is it being expressed in your Way of Being? (Note what words are revealing the feeling and the body’s movements)
Are we/they aware of the implications of those internal thoughts and sensations? (Has it happened before? How was it dealt with?)
How should I or could they make others aware? What’s the best way to do that? (Realise that it is a thought that generates a feeling and its actions that generate results. You can make others aware of your concerns before you act on them)
With this openness, you are able to offer specific suggestions (to yourself and others) that feelings come and go and we choose to take action on the thought, not the feeling.

Remember, our Way of Being is the world we live in and lead from. Language defines our thing and emotions define our actions. But it’s our passions, more than reason, that will shape our judgements and provide our life with meaning and value. It is the Inner Producer of our life movie/story that we seek to direct and act in. We can connect with other people’s needs to serve our own. That’s why we make offers and requests. But our passions can often lack purpose and distract us, distort our reality, blind us to reason and create illusions.

References

The Unopened Gift by Dan Newby and Lucy Núñez. Daniel Newby 2017

The Tree of Knowledge by Humberto Maturana & Francisco Varela. Shambhala 1987

The Passions by Robert Solomon. Hacket 1993