Trust happens when we deliberately build and assess reliability, competence, and sincerity to reduce the chances of unconscious betrayal of a promise being broken.

Trust is an assessment we make of a future outcome or an intention that we commit to, but do not know if it will happen.

“Trust is not a thing or an entity, but rather is a linguistic and emotional practice”  – Fernando Flores

Blind Trust

We tend to see trust as a moral issue, a reflection of who we are as a person.  It is an interpretation based on assessments of integrity and consistency. When we find ourselves in an appreciative and caring environment we do not question other people’s integrity because we would not seek to deceive them and destroy a valued relationship.

Informed Trust

We cannot conceive of a situation where we would not be trusted. However, there comes a point when a promise is made or an expection goes unfulfilled.

We are constantly assessing people’s words and moods in order to judge previous actions and intentions. We are, continuously assessing consistency and reliability.

As we come to understand that life and relationships in a high pressure environment fail to deliver, we become wary and look for evidence to hold someone accountable if they do not deliver on their promise. We make a judgement based on past experience of a person’s past performance.

Our approach to trust becomes an intentional assessment that we make to coordinate requests and offers to take action. This is the kind of trust that we deliberately build, test and assess. This makes trust a skill. It would be naive not to take any responsibility to assess trustworthiness and simply surrenders to someone else’s choices.

Intentional Trust

Trust is vital to both personal and professional relationships. The practice of building trust is the foundation of all solid and healthy relationships. Trust can take a long time to establish, but can be destroyed by a single action or misunderstanding. Regular conversations are one way of checking that trust is maintained.

How we manage our promises has an impact on our public identity and the type of relationships we can have in the future, so it is vital that we are alert to the promises we are making and commit time to honour them.

Clearly, trust is not just a one-time assessment. Relationships are involved which have a history of insincerity, incompetence, and unreliability and are assumed still to exist.

Trust as a Way of Being

Even though we may have had a relationship based on informed trust, there is no guarantee it will always be that way. Sharing sincerely what we are and are not interested in doing or promising, and being honest in our acceptance and refusal of requests and others, helps to maintain a high level of intentional trust.

 The diagram below suggests eight key actions associated with a trustworthy Way of Being.

Someone could fulfil. seven of the eight  actions listed above,  but just one incident of inappropriate behaviour or inconsistency could sill bring their credibility into question.

If someone isn’t being honest and open (transparent) you might want to question their ability to own up to making any mistakes (vulnerability), or do what they say (reliability).

Assessing Expectations

A distinction has to be made between expectations and promises. Managing promises lies at the heart of any negotiation or conversation where there is a need to coordinate the implementation of actions with others.

A promise starts when something is missing so that one person makes a request or an offer to fill the gap.

Without clarity in the agreement (setting boundaries) there cannot be a legitimate complaint when trust is questioned (missed commitment) and the outcome does not meet the standard agreed (satisfaction).

But when we break a promise, an apology need not be treated as assumption of blame  (generosity) if it can be renegotiated. There can be an acceptance that an unintentional action may have caused the discomfort or harm (non-judgmental) to someone else and we are willing to offer to repair the situation (accountability).

As long as it’s a sincere and justifiable apology, we can show that we care about what matters to the relationship (integrity) and will put things right to ensure future satisfaction.