When plans, relationships or commitments breakdown they generate concerns. As all of us are dominated by what we care about, something that is a source of worry requires action to address it.
Practices
1. Think back to a situation where the message you sent was not received as you intended it?
What do you think the reason was? Was it that you were not clear or detailed enough or was it that they assessed the message from a different mental model?
Did you make clear the meaning you were giving to the words and sentiments expressed? Was it deliberately misunderstood or was it that it triggered by a sequence of thoughts in the brain that was automatic and not reflected on?
Did you find that different people reacted differently to the same message? Was it that some were more irritable when the message was received, or just not feeling good about themselves or the consequences that the message threw up for them personally?
3. How will you make yourself more aware that in future you are speaking from your own listening? Next time you listen to someone talking, listen to understand what they are trying to say from their perspective or are you jumping to conclusions from your own assessment of what they are saying. Your first question should be to understand them before commenting. What else could they mean?
4. Reflecting on how your own words could be received by a listener. What do you know about their concerns? Have you asked them? Do you enough about their concerns to use gestures and words that could use to help reframe their thinking so that your message is understood as you intended?
5. How could you change your listening by questioning your own interpretations of what you are wanting to say and possibly change them? Find questions that build on what someone is saying, not what you think they are saying. Is what they say what they mean? Don’t just assume that what you hear is what they meant.
Facts are human thoughts expressed in language. They are not set in concrete because what you think is true today can be questioned tomorrow. Often facts are just your interpretation. A fact is something you can agree to because you agree with others what it means. It’s a conclusion you draw based on the observations and memories you choose to pay attention to and the way you interpret them so they make coherent sense to you.
Support Notes
When plans, relationships or commitments breakdown they generate concerns. As all of us are dominated by what we care about, something that is a source of worry requires action to address it. Concerns can surface when people sense uncertainty and feel they may have to change their habitual ways of thinking and doing things.
What are your concerns?
What do you do to avoid addressing them?
What is stopping you from dealing with them?
What do you imagine would happen if you faced the facts?
The initial challenge is to observe what is, to acknowledge, describe and accept the emotions involved. The trap we fall into is to explain away the emotions by telling ourselves a story and not addressing the facts. This is how we can bury the feeling and so avoid or deny that the concern deserves our attention.
Dealing with the emotions the concern generates gets in the way of us addressing it. When we dissociate ourselves from the emotion with explanations the pain of the concern is diminished.
How often have you said to yourself “Tomorrow is another day.” The prime concern is often a fear of the emotion associated with losing control of something that is important to you. You don’t face the facts because you don’t want to upset yourself or someone else. But your concern just returns, again and again, because you cannot see an alternative.
So the starting point is to examine the thoughts that are generating your anxiety. They can include:
Information Concerns. You feel left out and in the dark, unable to make sense of what is going on.
Personal Concerns. You need to know what it means for you and how you will deal with it.
Implementation Concerns. You want to know the details of what could be involved in dealing with the concern.
Impact Concerns. You want to assess how the benefits and problems are addressing your concerns.
Collaboration Concerns. You want to address concerns, but how can others help and get on board to tackle them.
Learning Concerns. You see the need to continually improve to eliminate your concerns.
What you pay attention to is determined by the stage of concern you are in, but it will start when you seek information that enables you to make sense of your concern by facing facts so you are open yourself up to exploring new possibilities.
What does this mean?
Concerns lie at the heart of how we create meaning in our lives and connect us with our soul, our deepest intentions and current worries. We are “walking sets of concerns”, all waiting to be taken care of. They inform how we interpret our world. When we act we are taking care of something that is important to us.
Facing the facts of emotions raises some important questions for you to consider.
Are you open to accepting and learn from your emotional experiences?
Do you acknowledge the discomfort that comes with negative emotions as normal?
Do you have strategies for addressing the discomfort of nagging concerns?
Are you aware of the role emotions play in your thinking and decision-making?
Do you see yourself as responsible for managing and shifting your emotions?