We all have access to the same emotions, but what makes them different is how they are interpreted and expressed. We have the power to produce them, explain them and direct them.

Practices

1.  Listen to someone speaking and observe their posture and body movements, as well as the words they choose to guess what emotions might be influencing the conversation you are having with them.  See if it suggests questions you can ask to help you connect and improve your rapport.

• Can you sense any sadness, disappointment, resentment, or despondency?  Q: What facts might they not be facing up to or evidence they cannot accept?

• Can you sense any resignation, boredom or ambivalence? Q: What opportunities or alternatives are they not exploring?

• Can you sense any anxiety, frustration or edginess?  Q: What are they uncertain about that is making them fearful?

• Can you sense limitations in their knowledge or resistance to learning? Q: What do they find confusing, dissatisfying or irritating?

2.  When you find yourself experiencing an emotion, reflect on the story you are telling yourself and what you are thinking, seeing or feeling at the time. What is happening inside you that causes you to feel certain emotions?

When you are feeling “helpless, what is the story?   It may not be true that nobody is helping, but what do you gain from believing that it’s true?  Are you seeking comfort? Do you want to be wanted? Are you being ignored?

When you are losing “hope”, what is the story? How would you interpret the feeling? What are you looking or wishing for? Are you unable to make plans or explore possibilities because you are resigned to your situation?

Explore your story for:

• Uncertainty?

• Frustration?

• Ambition?

• Embarrassment?

• Courage?

• Resilience?

• Commitment?

• Choose an emotion you are experiencing at the moment

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Support Notes

Emotions are a source of energy that predisposes us to take action. It can cause us to freeze or move faster, hide or share our thoughts. It becomes an immediate reaction to an experience that is already available in our sub-conscious, shaping how we interpret the experience.  

It has become part of us, and if long-lasting will become a mood. The emotion is then hidden and more difficult to distract or ignore. The more we try to deny it the more stubborn it becomes. If we accept our emotions as just naturally occurring feelings, then instead of disrupting our life they can be a source of self-learning and realisation.

We control our emotions when we can observe, acknowledge and locate them in our bodies. We are less effective in life and leadership if we do not see emotions as tools to improve or disrupt the results we get.

What does this mean?

In a complex and unpredictable environment reasoning is not enough, because we can only commit to something when it  feels right.

What we fail to notice is how our emotional state affects our decisions and future choices. But knowing about emotions is not enough, we have to learn the subtleties through personal experience and reflection.  It takes regular practice because we are always in some emotion or mood state and we need to name it and notice its impact.

The problem is that we can only see the impact of an emotion in our body, our language, our choices, and on our relationships with others.  We have a movie running in our head that produces a feeling that produces an action. When the action does not get what we want, we blame the feeling and fail to take responsibility for the story that generated it.  

If our story is “life is full of possibilities” then we will have feelings of ambition and openness to change. If the story is that “life is unfair” then the movie we play expresses resentment or resignation.  Emotions result from the stories, thoughts, and assessments we generate.  As the diagram below explains, only by changing the observer that we are, can we face facts and accept an alternative interpretation of the mood we find ourselves in.

Emotions are neither good nor bad. It’s our choice to make them so. It can be helpful to see emotions as an unconscious response to our concerns.

Anxiety, for example, draws our attention to what is unjust and generates emotional energy to address it. The resulting action will not help to calm us if we lose our capacity to wonder what the purpose of the emotion is its triggering it. 

Imagine that someone in their work is stuck in a mindset of non-acceptance. They would be unable to get clarity, be optimistic, and be curious about a future that they have not requested or declared for themselves. Their emotions and mood state have left them disengaged, so that life is leading them, not taking responsibility for their way of thinking, feeling, or acting. The story may not be true, but it is true for them and the emotions feel real.

References

The Unopened Gift by Dan Newby & Lucy Nunez. Dan Newby 2017
Coaching to the Human Soul Vol 2 by Alan Sieler. Newfield Australia 2005