Deep questioning requires deep listening to find gaps in reasoning and emotional incoherence. It requires the temporary suspension of judgment, looking to clarify cares and concerns.

Practices

1. In what types of conversation and context would you look for:

• Shared cares and interests?

• Shared needs or commitments?

• New possibilities for action?

• Opportunities for a commitment?

2. In which of your relationships at the moment is a conversation for a better relationship missing?

3. How will having this conversation impact the result you want to have in your relationship with them?

4. Consider what you care about about your family, friends, health, personal development . . . you choose.

• What conversations do you need to have to take care of these cares?

• What actions will be needed to get the result you want?

• What promisesomises will you make to yourself to ensure you take the necessary actions?

5. Think about the last time you were in a conversation where you felt frustrated. Distinguish what you observed happening (evidence) and what you thought was happening (interpretation).

Support Notes

It might seem counterintuitive, but deep questioning is about hearing, in which we fully understand what is happening in our and other people’s Way of Being.

We must let go of our usual assumptions and listen with respect for precisely what is being said or not said. For listening to be effective, we require a contemplative mind: open, fresh, alert, attentive, calm, and receptive to what is said, felt and expressed physically.

So, what does this mean?

Author Daniel Kahneman discusses two types of thinking that shed light on how our thoughts affect how we listen and what we pay attention to. In one type, we are more unconscious, irrational, and emotional; in the other, we are more logical, rational, and conscious.

We use logic to solve complicated problems, adjusting what we sense and listen for in different situations. For example, we can listen for verifiable facts and dismiss opinions or biased comments, or we can listen for the story and its meaning.

This explains one of the challenges of being in a relationship: We can become so familiar with each other that our language becomes familiar and predictable. Consequently, our mind goes on “autopilot,” our behaviour becomes habitual, and we get triggered, frustrated, or stressed. We then make assumptions, jump to conclusions, get defensive, and fail to listen attentively. 

We must first focus on our way of being so that we can listen more deeply. For example:

• BEING PRESENT. Paying attention to body language, what you hear and how you feel about it, without being judgemental. 

• BEING QUIET AND PRESENT. When you are aware of interrupting people, stop doing it. Provide the odd word of approval, use nodding gestures and use body language to show you are listening. 

• BEING CURIOUS.  Showing an interest and helping the other person feel valued. When something doesn’t make sense, ask yourself:  Is there something I am missing here? What doesn’t make sense to me?

• BEING REFLECTIVE. Check out what you thought you heard by repeating their words to ensure you got it right. If not, try again. You aren’t agreeing or disagreeing —you are just seeking help to understand their point of view. This stops defensiveness or any suggestion of blame. 

Now What?

Arguments emerge because one person is “pushing” and the other is pushing back. This generates “more heat than light”  It’s better to be:

• BE HUMBLE. Defuse the situation by acknowledging their point of view. Reframing what we think was said can help clarify things. Don’t be aggressive or defensive; seek to ground an opinion with some evidence.

• BE INTERESTED.  Ask questions in an enquiring way to find out what is essential.  Be curious to understand the thinking and perspective being taken.

• BE EMPATHETIC. Explain why you think what is said makes sense to you. This creates empathy and balance by opening up the conversation about our opinions and what is behind them.

• BE ACCEPTING. We can always change our mind. What’s important is that we search for a solution that works for both of us. We may compromise and move ahead together or agree to disagree, but at least we understand why we think the way we do and not get stuck in our assumptions or biases.

Good conversational practice is necessary if we are to engage in deep questioning. We all listen in different ways and react to different trigger words. When we say one thing, there could be any number of people in earshot who will be listening differently based on their context and background.

It’s listening that gives meaning to whatever we perceive and respond to. Even two people in conversation can have three conversations going on. For example, there is a conversation between two people concerned, the conversation one person is having internally with themselves, and then the other person is having internally with themselves.

All the issues explored above are complicated by what the different parties are listening for. They could listen to arguments to appear right and the other person is wrong. They could be listening for facts and opinions to explore, maybe listening for what others are committing themselves to or care deeply about.

References

Become by Sameer Dua. Harper 2017
Deep Listening by Oscar Trimboli. Self Published 2019