Deep Listening Skills

LIFE LEADERSHIP DIGEST – Article by Steve Trivett – 01/11/2020

Communication Networks

We don’t normally think of people talking to everyone else at the same time as good communication. But this phenomenon, known as “receiver-based communication”, is now normal in the world of social media that is having a major impact on our innate capacity to listen. Anyone can choose to hear what they want to hear and react without really listening. This has led to the creation of teams that self-manage tasks and self-organise to find solutions that are discovering the value of deep listening. 

When ducks migrate they are constantly listening to each other to share how they are getting on. This enables them to self-organise to keep as close to each other as possible as everyone puts in their best effort. They do this to make the best use of their experience and energy. This means motivating and helping each other by sharing the lead role. If they didn’t, the weakest would be separated from the flock, get lost or be eaten by prey.

What shapes self-organised conversations between people depends on what we care about. It shapes how the group see the world and combine their individual contributions to make connections to achieve s shared outcome.  All of us can play a part in leadership by looking for what mutual interests need to be taken care of.  We can achieve little by ourselves, so it’s vitally important that we know how to listen more deeply to each other to make sense of VUCA challenges. 

Watch this short video by Eric Crowell as he explains the key elements of listening in a commercial environment. This resonates with the Learning from Service Users Project that I directed in the 1980s in the public sector with Birmingham City Council. Deep listening is a key skill that leaders need to develop to build more responsive, customer-focused strategies for a VUCA environment. The hard bit is embedding the lessons learned into organisation-wide policies, procedures and behaviours.

What’s interesting is that senior executives are considered to be the most important speakers. But in a receiver-based network, it’s the listeners who control the conversation and employees who have to commit to the actions. This is because words are a small part of the communication process. Deep listeners are more powerful observers of the whole context in which these conversations take place. 

Let’s face it. What you choose to notice is what you pay attention to. This depends on the observer that you are and whether you care enough. How you select and gather the small amount of the available data that is the result of how and what you listen for. This depends on what you assume is important to you in a given context. You are not aware of your “observer” unless you choose to notice how you select what you see, feel and hear. This may appear odd until you realise that your thoughts are actually assumptions that get in the way of you making better choices when listening. Consequently, you don’t know if the meaning you ascribe to what you are hearing is the result of your own or someone else’s priorities.  Deep listening connects minds so that doubts, concerns and opportunities can be shared, understood and cared about.

We listen to understand context, mood, intentions, assumptions, generalisations and then make choices. Deep listeners also look for what is unsaid, to tune into missing perspectives and sources of energy.

The Energy Producers

One of Life Leadership’s domains focuses on four elements that generate energy for action or could be a source of inaction. They provide useful information on which to choose where best to apply your time and energy to improve relationships and achieve your mission. 

TOP-DOWN ENERGY – where the conversation focuses on issues inside the “system in focus” such as shared values, goals, structures, cultures, policies, procedures and politics

BOTTOM-UP ENERGY – where the conversation focuses on issues such as collective interests in teams and special interest groups. 

INSIDE-OUT ENERGY – where the conversation focuses on agendas, professional loyalty, personal accountability and performance.

OUTSIDE-IN ENERGY – where the conversation focuses on events outside the “system in focus”, such as the political, economic, social and technological context.

The Listening Environment

Listening is greatly enhanced when everyone is given the space and time to speak with minimum distraction and without judgement or fear. This enables listeners to trust that their contributions will be listened to when they go out on a limb or are open and honest about what they care about.

Listening at a deeper level takes practice and the patience to listen for the gaps in meaning from what is actually being said. Are the opinions offered grounded in personal experience or verifiable facts? Is the speaker looking for emotional reactions or social acceptance?

Listening for what is unsaid is to look for connections around what is said. This involves you wondering about what could or should have been said that wasn’t. What points were being repeated? Should there have been more detail to connect with or connections around a bigger picture that would have interested you?  This leads you to ask, what was the speaker trying to hide with generalisations, distorted facts or missing information. 

Another approach is to listen for what is important to the speaker and what they appear to care about but find difficulty explaining clearly. This is more likely to be revealed where the listener is aware of Clean Language which is a technique used to get clarity of meaning, intention or expectation from another person. Most thinking is emotional and happens at an unconscious level. It often lacks logic. As a consequence, we are actually listening before hearing even starts. How else can we explain insights, intuition and gut feel? This is because we use metaphors to explain something that is difficult for us to explain in words that fully express how we really feel. It happens when someone says “it is like hitting my head on a brick wall”.  It only has a depth of meaning for the speaker not for the listener. We might ask … What is this “brick wall” that you are hitting? What else is stopping you and causing you pain? 

Listening for Context

It’s worth noting that there is a time gap between what you hear and the slower speed your mind needs to process it. Be aware of any thoughts you are having that might cause you to jump to quick conclusions. When you focus your mind to pay attention to how you listen, you can prepare yourself to ensure that you get the most from what you hear others say, with sensitively focused questions, not your assumptions about what they are saying. Successful relationships are built around care for the needs and interests of the person as a human being. This starts from listening to connect with the person in the way you listen and question to strengthen the relationship and build rapport. For example, to:

• To get into a frame of mind where you are fully present and alert that makes your mind more open and available to listen for what matters. Close down any self-talk that is dominating your thoughts about previous encounters or gossip.
• To have respect for the speakers, by suspending any previous assumptions you have about them. This stops you from judging or refusing to engage with what you hear because it offends your values. Seek to understand before offering an opinion.
• To have a “trigger” to get your mind refocused should you find yourself distracted or confused. You only hear what you care about and pay attention to.
• To decide to listen with your heart so you can avoid judgement and show empathy. This creates an atmosphere of compassion for what they are trying to communicate.
• To remind yourself to focus on the threads in the conversation, not on the people or the situation. This helps you see the story behind what is being said.
• To observe the whole body when someone is speaking to see if their body posture, gestures, mood and emotional state to sense where they do not match up with the language being used. This helps you assess their authenticity.  Be aware of any gut feel as it helps you sense that sincerity.

Purposeful Listening

It can be helpful to listen in a way that recognises that you have a purpose in mind. For example:

• ARE YOU LISTENING TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL RIGHT? This happens when you look for comments and ideas that you can agree with or disagree with. You with like or don’t like what you hear to confirm that you are right in your assessment of the person’s history, their values or point of view.
• ARE YOU LISTENING FOR OBJECTIVE FACTS? This happens when you look for assertions made that you can affirm as objective facts or assessments that concur with your own experience. Often what is presented as a fact is just a biased opinion. You cannot make good choices or get good results from ungrounded assessments.
• ARE YOU LISTENING FOR CARE AND COMMITMENT? This happens when you are looking to take action. You know that actions come from commitment and a strong commitment comes from what is cared about. Leaders use this type of listening to find the actions that will enable them to create a shared future with others.
• ARE YOU LISTENING FOR POSSIBILITIES? Possibilities to improve outperformance or wellbeing are all around us. We just need to know how to listen for things that connect with your intentions and take them in new and more productive directions. You only find what you set out to find, but with an open mind, you will discover other possibilities along the way. It all starts with listening.

References

Clean Language by Wendy Sullivan & Judy Rees. Crown House 2008
Deep Listening by Oscar Trimboli. 2017
Become by Sameer Dua. Harper 2017
On Dialogue by David Bohm. Routledge 1996
The Innovators Way by Bob Dunham & Peter Denning. MIT 2010
The Commitment of Listening by Tony Zampella.