Background Information

Conversations are not just about exchanging information or seeking action, they are rituals that hold us together. They form the fabric of culture and society. We all rely on conversation to get cooperation and control. When we have supportive and caring conversations they give us the energy to overcome adversity and transform our lives. 

The words enable us to think and express our feelings so we can create and make sense of our reality. When we interact in a conversation it enables us to share and connect our different realities and align them. We can also influence each other to shape a new future and a shared reality together by using offers, requests and declarations. The multiple dimensions of conversation make it subject to biases, blind spots and worldviews that stop us seeing our own reality, nevermind other people’s.

Conversation creates reality

The language we use to describe our reality can only be our perception, not what it actually consists of. Alfred Korzybski coined the phrase “the map is not the territory” to make this distinction. We are often unaware that we confuse the two by thinking that everyone lives in the same reality.  We do not. We live in different life movies. Understanding this is essential for our success in life and as a leader.  Read more about your Life Movie Makers.

As Stephen Covey reminds us, we use conversation to explore and understand other people’s “movies”.  Depending on the movie running in your head you make will make positive and negative assessments of other people. For example, do you feel connected enough to trust someone, or see them as adversaries or a threat to your values and aspirations? If you sense someone’s insincerity, no amount of rational argument or verifiable data will make you trust them.

For example, questions can be perceived as criticism instead of just requests for information. Salespeople and politicians have learned not to dramatise messages in order to sustain a healthy trusting relationship. When this breaks down people behave like hedgehogs, closing down and protecting themselves from a perceived threat.

What we say and how we interpret what is said depends on the distinctions we make when paying attention to the intention behind the words. It happens in conversations where there is rapport. Speakers and listeners need to stimulate each other to find connections through language, mood, emotional reactions and body state. Even differences in breathing rate or voice tone can affect the depth of listening and style of speaking.

When two worlds collide

We all live in different realities. We have different worldviews, cultural preferences and habitual behaviours that shape the way we interpret what we hear and predict what we will say in different contexts. It affects the actions that can be taken because of the way the conversation is constructed and the actions coordinated.

We have our own mental map (or nervous system) that filters out what we don’t want to hear. It might threaten our sense of self or set off our emotional triggers.  So the way we listen reflects our way of interpreting and experiencing the world – our Way of Being. We are conditioned to behave from body memory, programmed to think through our language interpretations and predisposed to react from the distinctions produced by our mood state. A change in one changes the others.

Listening and hearing

What we say and hear is not always what was meant. The same words can be listened to yet prompt a different reaction. A simple request, such as “Come here” can be received as a command, an invitation, a tease or a plea. The differences are communicated in the tone of the voice, the type of body posture or mood state. It can be said with anger or a playful tone. It depends on how the listener is listening.

It’s up to the listener to observe the reaction to see if what was heard was what was intended. There may be unspoken concerns behind the words, the context and type of relationship can also have an effect. Life Leaders know how to listen for real cares and concerns, This involves deep listening so we can observe our interpretations and automatic reactions. 

Deep Listening

Getting connected at a soul level is an essential somatic skill for Life leaders. You engage with another person in such as way as you both feel a rapport. There is no resistance or pressure as the conversation flows into a shared concern and care for each other’s perspective and interpretation of the world.

Strozzi-Heckler describes this experience as blending. Both parties feel listened to at a deep level because they are paying attention to the other person’s words, body language, mood and energy level.   

Building Rapport

It is important to try and get on the same wavelength with someone you are having a conversation with. You help to build trust by listening without judgement, paying full attention to what someone is actually saying, not judging them by guessing at what you think they mean by what they are saying.  Clarification is needed to eliminate concerns by looking for further information, such as being curious to know more, observing attitude, emotional reactions and body posture.  

All conversations have mood and emotional content. If you set out to be open, respectful and trusting, you will get a different reaction than if you set out to be protective or assertive, not listening but seeking only to “sell and tell” your point of view. When the words do not seek a human connection they break any chance of rapport. You may have good intentions, but the mind only opens up if your whole mood suggests that you caring, interested and willing to share. The words have to match your mood and body language. 

To be an effective leader you must be able to observe your language, energy level and mood state if you want to have “feel good” conversations. It’s the quality of your conversation keeps you connected and builds trust. The connection starts when you sense a person’s energy. You “size” someone up you making a “movie” in your mindof this person being someone you can trust enough to open up to. Once you feel safe you are willing to share information.

The mistake you can make is to assume that the meaning of what is said is only in the words.  Research shows that voice tone, intonation, hand gestures, posture and eye movement.  Your mood, relationship status and state of health can also have an impact on whether the conversation feels good or threatening. It is only human to want to connect, be respected, feel accepted and self-confident in your interactions with others. Your inner wisdom tells you if other people want to give, take or share their time and information.

Losing and regaining trust

When you get trapped in your need to be right and seek to win others over you are effectively in a “fight”. If they fight back, take flight or disengage you have lost their trust and you no longer have a conversation.  It’s a trap you can easily fall into unless you are self-aware enough to recover the situation and listen with empathy and respect for a different point of view. Whilst this is obvious when you can see it happening, but you can get “triggered” to react emotionally and you fail to make the connection that will establish trust.

If you sense a connection you adopt “blind trust” because what you expected is being delivered. You believe that experience of this kind of behavioural response worked in the past so you predict that it will again. But not always. particularly if you do not know the person concerned.

Julio Olalla identifies three elements of trust where we make assessments of reliability, competence, and sincerity.  Bob Dunham adds, likeability, taking care, being listened and respected. When these attributes are missing, or questioned, they can lead to a breakdown of trust. When we initially give people the benefit of the doubt, this is “blind trust”. In business environments, this is considered to be “naive” as it often leads to blaming, a breakdown in communication and fragmented relationships. Blind trust gets you into a good conversation, after which you start to assess intentions and attitude more critically.

“Trust is the essential precondition upon which all real success depends. Without it, sustainable change cannot be built or maintained. Yet, increasingly, we find ourselves in a world where our methods to address distrust are insufficient.”  – Julio Olalla

You can learn a lot by reflecting on conversations to gain new insights into how good your assessment was and what moved the conversation towards a closer connection and a mutually satisfying outcome. Ask yourself what caused you to lose and regain feelings of trust.  What evidence did you use for yo assessment?

Judith Glaser identified three phases in conversations that can cause you to lose and regain trust. Distrust is fostered when you seek to protect your feelings and are sceptical of the signals you are receiving. If you are open and willing to inquire into what you are feeling you are willing to wait and see what other information emerges to confirm or question your initial assessment. When you believe you are in rapport you will commit to building the relationship by talking openly about shared needs and aspirations. Trust is established and you begin to see and accept each other’s reality. Trust happens through conversations.

References

Trust by Julio Olalla. Newfield Network

The Trusted Executive by John Blakey. KoganPage 2016

Conversational Intelligence by Judith Glaser. Routledge 2016

Trust by Iyanla Vanzant. Smiley 2015

The Innovator’s Way by Bob Dunham & Peter Denning. MIT 2012