Skip to main content

Finding True Presence

PRACTICE GUIDE – Presence

Obviously, the facts that you exist means you are present physically, but your mind can be somewhere else. Maybe you are worried and anxious or are thinking about something you forgot to do or thinking about what needs to be done in the future.  You’re not fully “in-the-moment.” You do your best to give the impression of listening to somebody when you are actually listening to yourself. Real listening requires you to be fully present.

Paying attention to your words, feelings and body language so you come across as positive and cheerful is hard work. It takes a lot of energy and you can beat yourself up if you make a mistake and embarrass yourself. To be fully present you have to just be yourself and not allow thoughts other than those focused on the present to contaminate your mind so you fail to pay attention to the whole experience.

So What does this mean?

Presencing is the process of being fully present. In essence, it’s not a thing, it’s a deep experience that feels natural and authentic. This is when you are engaging with calmness, candour and caring, as you are not having to think about how you are perceived by others because you are focused on making an open and honest connection with people whilst respecting their needs and way of being. You are naturally interested and empathetic, genuinely wanting to understand them.  You give 100% of your attention, listening actively and observing without judgement.

“Doing your best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment.”  – Oprah Winfrey

You are naturally interested and empathetic, genuinely wanting to understand them.  You give 100% of your attention, listening actively and observing without judgement. The energy you are giving out is positive and you are holding yourself to the standards you are looking for from others. You come across as being comfortable in your own skin. There are no worries or anxieties getting in the way because you are free of concerns and this means that your thinking is not being “contaminated”.  Your feelings will reflect your thoughts. You have to “be” happy inside to come across as genuinely happy on the outside. You are at your happiest when you are performing without thinking. You are in the flow of experience when you are not conscious of choosing how you feel.

“Everyone is doing the best they can, given the thinking that looks real to them.”  Sydney Banks

You are in the flow of experience when you are not conscious of choosing how you feel. Notice how Andy Murray’s tennis goes to pieces when he becomes aware of his emotions. Notice how when you make a presentation without notes you don’t have to think about what you want to say, it just comes to you.

Now What?

The lesson for life leadership is that knowing about leadership will not produce presence.  It’s about “being” a leader in the way you see yourself and your life purpose. Life leaders understand that what they are feeling is thought created and they cannot fake how they come across to others. They are powerful observers of their Way of Being and how they can use it to inspire others with their certainty, lack of self-doubt and resilience. It reflects their true selves in ways that enable them to adapt to different situations and random events. Your experience is created from the thoughts you pay attention to, moment-to-moment.

Nilima Bhat explains how.

Your experience is created from the thoughts you pay attention to, moment-to-moment.

Practices

1. Reflect on the following statements to gain insights into how you create your presence. Make some notes on your observations.

  1. Have you noticed that it’s thoughts that allow your mood to persist?
  2. Can you feel insecure without thinking about your insecurities?
  3. Has a moment’s insight changed the way you think, feel and act?
  4. When has too much thought caused you a problem?
  5. Are your problems caused by reacting to events outside you, or from your own thoughts?
  6. When do you have difficulty controlling your thoughts?
  7. In what ways are you blind to your innate capacities as a human being?

2.  In what ways do you find that your performance or potential performance is limited by your “contaminated” thinking?

3.  If you had 10% more self-confidence and self-awareness you would be able to . . . . . . . . . . .? Write a list of at least 10 thoughts, then pick the one you would most like to happen and ask yourself . . .

  1. What thoughts and feelings are stopping me?
  2. What else is stopping me?  Are they practical constraints or excuses?
  3. Could you change them by thinking differently about them?
  4. How would you act if you could be yourself and had no fear of failure?
  5. Do you have more clarity now than you did before engaging with this practice?

4.  Consider a time and place when the following experiences happened to you and what you felt like in the moment when you . . .

  1. Were moved by a great experience
  2. Last felt a great wave of affection when connecting with another human being
  3. Took full responsibility for an important decision
  4. Were really upset by a shock event when you had to remain calm
  5. When you brought real passion, creativity,  and wisdom into a difficult situation
  6. Last had to listen intently to fully understand how someone else was making sense of things

5.  Begin to notice how present you are upon arrival at work.  Ask yourself questions like:

  1. How present was I when I arrived at work or to a meeting? 
  2. What emotion did I arrive in? What did my body language say?
  3. How did I articulate my thoughts, mood and emotions?
  4. Did I arrive prepared and open to connecting?
  5. Is this the presence I want to bring to this space?
  6. How did this presence affect the outcome of my conversations/relationships? 

References

The Enlightened Gardner by Sydney Banks. IHRC 2001

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.  Hazelden 2010

Presence-Based Coaching by Doug Silsbee. Jossey-Bass 2008

Focusing by Eugene Gendlin.  Rider 2003

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.  Yellow Kite 2005

Thinking Tools

THE HUMAN OBSERVER
– Noticing what’s happening and sensing what could be hidden from you.
THE CDE MODEL
– Identifying the conditions and rules that produce different patterns of interaction
THE OAR MODEL
– Improving your observation skills to choose actions to will deliver what you care about.
THE SCARF MODEL
– Identifying the core concerns that shape your emotional responses
ONTOLOGICAL LEARNING
– Understanding how to change your Way of Being
THE PSYCHIC SYSTEM
– Knowing how to change your Way of Being to fit the prevailing context
ONTOLOGICAL BREAKDOWNS
– Dealing with disruptions in the flow of your life
THE NERVOUS SYSTEM
– How you give meaning to to your experience of internal senses and external events.
QUADRANTS OF CHANGE
– Achieving a more holistic and balanced response to complex situations.
ACTION LOGICS
– Assessing leadership behaviour and effectiveness in different contexts
THE U PROCESS
– Using your senses to improve your effectiveness now to shape your future.
SPIRAL DYNAMICS
– Explaining the growth of human capacity and values
THE HEROES JOURNEY
– Finding a bigger purpose and passion to lead your life from.
ACTIVE LISTENING
– Knowing how to actively listen for understanding and empathy
REFRAMING
– Looking for possibilities to question and reshape perspectives.
THE OODA LOOP
– Achieving a bigger impact when working with other people
ADAPTIVE ACTION
– Examining the dynamic patterns of thought involved in decision making
THE LENS OF INQUIRY
Using the power of questions to get breakthrough results.
THE NINE PANES MODEL
– Discovering new perspecives when dealing with breakdowns in the flow of life.
THE JOHARI WINDOW
– Identifying alternatives to unseen or disruptive behaviour
THE FOUR TRUTHS
– Recognising and considering alternative perspectives in any situation
THE CIRCLE OF CONTROL, INFLUENCE & CONCERN
– Clarifying how you interpret what you see, hear and feel.
THE MIRACLE QUESTION
– In your ideal world, what do you want to be feeligs, thinking and doing?
A “BOTH/AND” PERSPECTIVE
– Dealing with paradox and ambiguity.
THE ADAPTIVE CYCLES
– Resisting breakdown and maintaining your viability for a breakthrough.
CREATING A WELL-FORMED OUTCOME
– Reducing the chance of facing unintended consequences.
WAY OF BEING
– Connecting words, emotions and body presence to be more effective.
CYNEFIN
– A sensemaking framework to help you crack different types of problems.
YOUR INNATE WISDOM
– Knowing what makes you who you are and using it to lead a more fulfilling life.
A SOLUTION FOCUS
– Finding out what works and doing more of it.