Finding Energy in Requests

PRACTICE GUIDE – Top-Down Energy

What is a request?

When we ask someone to do something that takes care of a concern we have we are making a request. And we also make requests to coordinate our needs and actions with others. It’s how we do things for mutual interest and should be managed through conversation. Otherwise,  they are orders, demands or instructions. We make requests for specific reasons so they have an intention behind them.  In essence, making requests is a language skill.

What we are doing is making an assessment that we want to create a future situation that fulfils our intentions.  We want something to happen in a particular way that is acceptable to others. We are asking someone else to make a declaration to take action to achieve an agreed result.  If left to our own devices the chances of influencing the future are much reduced.

So what does this mean?

If we wanted to work with others to achieve a shared objective we need conversations through which possible futures can be explored and agreed upon. This requires requests to be made of each other to coordinate opinions and possible actions, in order to bring about change in a mutually beneficial way.

This is how requests generate and create the future and the type of relationships we enter into.  For requests to be effective, they have to be made a clear and coherent way. What’s wanted must be clearly understood.  The listener’s full attention is needed to ensure that the consequences of acceptance have been considered. Problems arise when we make assumptions that are not grounded.

This must be done in a way that isn’t patronising. We don’t want to insult someone else’s intelligence. The purpose is to ensure that we get the result we want. A shared understanding is necessary to get a shared commitment. This understanding relies on a sharing of concerns and a mutual desire to get a result that satisfies both parties. This shapes the context in which the request is made.

It’s important to get clarity on timing.  For example, what does “promptly” or “as soon as possible” mean? The emotional space is also important because a good conversation in a bad mood is not going to deliver a good outcome. For there to be trust in the relationship, there must be evidence of sincerity, reliability, and competence. The criteria for satisfaction must also be clear.  Some details may not be met, but the result might be satisfactory given the context.

Requests play a crucial role in the making and keeping of promises. A request is a call for assistance when accepted creates a promise – with each party making a commitment to each other.

Now what?

Requests, promises and the coordination of action play a critical role in making all relationships work. They have a big impact on the quality of our daily existence. When communication goes wrong there is usually a lack of clarity about what we wanted and what needed to be done about it.  Issues of competence emerge.

Think back to the requests you made today. You asked someone for something for you.  Did the other person know they were entering into a commitment for which they would be held accountable? A promise only exists when both parties listen and understand what has been asked for and agreed upon to a standard and specified deadline.

Requests are the way we create the future and building trust that is essential for harmonious relationships and productive teams. Making sloppy requests leads to disappointment and unnecessary conflict. Good requests come from being a good speaker and listener. They give our life and work meaning and purpose.

Practices

1. Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to make a request but didn’t?  Now compare it with a situation where it was hard to do, but you did it.

• What were the differences in how you felt and behaved?
• What bothered or constrained you?  How did you find the energy to speak up?

Consider:

• How committed were you?
• How did you respond to what you heard?
• How did you assess the actions and conditions need to satisfy you?
• How did you choose an acceptable timeframe for a response?
• How did you control your mood?
• How did you judge the appropriateness of the context?

2. Who are you not making effective requests to about what?  What impact is this having on your relationships and performance?  What is the cost to your relationships and reputation?  What are you going to do about it?

References

Connect by Lyn Boyer. Affective Leadership 2011

The Maintenance of  Trust by Larry Huggins & Steve Barone. Bradenton 2005

Coaching to the Human Soul (Vol 1) by Alan Sieler.  Newfield Australia 2003.

Language and the Pursuit of Happiness by Chalmers Brothers. New Possibilities 2005