Assessing a Breakdown of Trust

PRACTICE GUIDE – Relating

What is a Breakdown of Trust?

When we stop trusting ourselves or other people we are making an assessment of a future we have committed to and expect to happen, but may not. The focus here is on trust as it relates to intention, action, and result.  It’s about the fulfillment of a promise made to us by others, to others by us, and even to ourselves. We need to be more intentional about how we behave and communicate the timescale and standard expected when an offer or request is made.

“Trust is the essential precondition upon which all real success depends. Without it, sustainable change cannot be built or maintained. Yet, increasingly, we find ourselves in a world where our methods to address distrust are insufficient.”  – Julio Olalla – founder, of the Newfield Network

Julio Olalla identifies three elements of trust where we make assessments of reliability, competence, and sincerity.  Bob Dunham from Generative Leadership adds, taking care, being listened to and respected and likeability. When these attributes are missing or questioned they can lead to a breakdown of trust.

When it is difficult to assess trust we can give people the benefit of the doubt.  This is “blind trust” and is considered to be naive as it can lead to blame and a breakdown in communication and fragmented relationships.

“You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough”  – Frank Crane

On the other hand, what Fernando Flores calls “authentic trust” creates a framework for assessing trust that reduces the likelihood of a promise being broken.

1. Clarifying the detail of the offer or request before accepting
2. Checking facts or accuracy of the assertions made
3. Negotiating the time and standards in the commitment made
4. Agreeing on how the results will be assessed to ensure satisfaction
5. Having an agreed process in place to deal with a broken promise or unsatisfactory delivery

There can be a predisposition to mistrust someone from a particular organisation or institution or culture. This assessment is cultural in origin where the judgement has already been made.

So What does this mean?

1. ARE YOU RELIABLE?

• Do you do what you say you will do?
• Do you say “yes” to things without thinking about what you’re agreeing to?
• Have you ever said “Let’s do lunch” without any intention of ever seeing the person again?

Every word you utter has meaning. There is always an impact even if you are unaware of what that impact may be. Dependability is a key component of trust. Whenever you speak, consider the consequences. Be a person who honours their word, meaning that you do whatever you say you’ll do even if that commitment is to yourself. For instance, if you have no intention of dieting tomorrow, then don’t say you will try.

Setting out an intention to do something in detail or making a commitment to follow through on a particular goal is not something to be taken lightly. Consider what you’re willing to hold yourself accountable for. If you’re unwilling, unable, or don’t have the time, then don’t say you’ll do it. There are many reasons why we find it hard to say “no”,  even though we know they cannot complete the task. These include people-pleasing, needing to be liked or concern over what other people might think.

There is also the person who is so unhappy that they can stay busy or blame others so they don’t have to face up the responsibility.  Before saying anything, we should consider our words carefully, or we find ourselves wriggling to explain away the fact that we have over-committed ourselves and can’t admit it.

If you’re not sure you can complete a task then use your words to convey that. It’s essential you learn to keep the promises you make to yourself. When you learn to keep your word to yourself, you take yourself seriously and that translates to others over time who will also learn to take you seriously. You become someone who is reliable and who, if we feel we can’t complete a task then it’s essential that we keep our integrity and keep the promises we make to ourselves.

 When we learn to keep our word we are taking ourselves and our relationships with others seriously. We become known as someone who is reliable and who does what they say, and often more.  It starts with self-respect.

2. ARE YOU SINCERE?

How we say what we say conveys trust. Our mood, emotional reactions, and body language have to fit with what we are saying. Our reputation for reliability and competence is also being assessed. When we are being sincere we are being authentic. This makes who we are transparent. We can pick up very quickly if something about a person “just doesn’t feel right.” This is observed as not expressing yourself clearly, lacking presence, not showing respect, or being too familiar so that people can see straight through you.

We can trip ourselves up when others sense that what is being said publicly is what we appear to be communicating in our bodies or through our off-the-cuff remarks. Insincerity can come across as a depressed or negative mood or pattern of behaviour that raises questions about accountability, commitment, and delivery.

When under pressure, this is not an easy impression to give. Self-confidence and authenticity are the best way to reveal our true selves and feel good about who we are and what we can do. When we take our words seriously and speak our truth with conviction, people will perceive us as sincere and honest. When you follow through with what you say, trust is built.

3. ARE YOU COMPETENT?

Do you have the determination to ensure that, despite any difficulty, you will endeavour to deliver what you say because you are confident you can? You know you have the skill to perform and fulfill your offer at an agreed level of excellence.  If you don’t and take on the task anyway, it won’t be completed the way it needs to be and apologies follow.

We have to ask ourselves, why are we taking on a task for which we are not the best suited?  There may be deeper obstacles in the way such as not wanting to disappoint others, again, by not saying “no” to a request, perfectionism, procrastination, or an inability to create schedules for yourself to use your time effectively and cost-effectively.

When we hold ourselves out to be an expert at something but are not capable of performing to the specifications needed, we are, in essence, lying. This causes us to get stressed because we are out of integrity. It also makes us look bad and result in a poor reputation. Be honest with yourself about your level of skill and then seek out the appropriate education if that’s what you want.

Be truthful with others about your capabilities and learn to ask for help when you need it. There is nothing more humbling than asking for help and yet it demonstrates your humanness. Whenever you breach one of these elements, you decrease your trustworthiness. If you apologise to the person, especially to yourself, then it softens the impact and you can regain some ground in developing yourself as a trustworthy person. Accepting responsibility for your truthfulness, your words, actions, and follow-through demonstrate your commitment to yourself and to your growth as a human being. Learning to trust ourselves has huge implications for how we lead our life.

When we trust ourselves, we recognize trust in others so we know when we can count on someone and make better choices about who we surround ourselves with. We also feel better about ourselves.

 When we honour our word, we build our self-esteem. Learning to say “no” to what we don’t want or what is not beneficial to us means we learn to say “yes” to those things that make the best use of our time and skill.

Now What? 

Watch this talk by James Davis.

Practices

1. List three people you don’t trust. What was the basis for your assessment? Was it a personal, historical or cultural assessment? If you made a complaint, how was it resolved?

2. Recall an instance where you or a member of your team/family was asked to do something they were not competent to do? What price was paid in terms of cost, reputation, friendship or engagement in other aspects of life or work? Would it affect your assessment of their reliability or sincerity in the future?

3. Recall a time when you failed to deliver on a promise.  How did you put it right?  How did you feel about it?  What did you learn from the experience that stopped you from repeating your failure to act?

4.  How would you embody trust in your Way of Being?  What steps could you take to reduce ambiguity and evasiveness in your language, adopt a confident presence and body posture, as we;l as a positive mood state? Rehearse your body posture for saying “no”.

References

Trust by Jane Guyton (based on the work of Julio Olalla).  Newfield Network 2004
The Innovator’s Way by Peter Denning & Bob Dunham. MIT 2010