Interpreting Emotions

PRACTICE GUIDE – Emotioning

What are Emotions?

We all have access to the same emotions, but what makes them different is how they are interpreted and expressed. We produce them, script them and direct them. We are powerful when we can observe, acknowledge and locate them in our bodies. We are less effective in life and leadership if we do not see emotions as tools to improve the results we get.

Emotions are a source of energy that predisposes us to take action. It can cause us to freeze or move faster, hide or share our thoughts. It becomes a predisposition to action, an immediate reaction to an experience that is already available, shaping how we interpret the experience.  It has become part of us, and if long-lasting will become a mood. The emotion is then hidden and more difficult to distract or ignore. The more we try to deny it the more stubborn it becomes. If we accept our emotions as just naturally occurring feelings, then instead of disrupting our life they can be a source of self-learning and realisation.

So What does this mean?

We do not have a curriculum for understanding what emotions mean to us, the impact they have on the normal flow of our lives and how to manage them more effectively. In a complex and unpredictable world reasoning is not enough, simply because we can only commit to something when it also feels right.

What we often fail to notice is how our emotional state when making a decision affects the result and future choices. But knowing about emotions is not enough, we have to learn the subtleties through personal experience and reflection.  It takes regular practice over weeks and months. This is because we are always in some emotion and we need to be able to name it and notice its impact.

But knowing about emotions is not enough, we have to learn the subtleties through personal experience and reflection.  It takes regular practice over weeks and months. This is because we are always in some emotion and we need to be able to name it and notice its impact on us and other people. This is your journey to becoming a more powerful observer.

The problem is that we can only see the impact of emotion in our body, on our language, our choices, and on our relationships with others.  We have a story running in our head (thought) that produces a feeling that leads to action. When the action does not get the response we wanted we blame the feeling and fail to take responsibility for the story that generated it.  What we experience predisposes us to behave in certain ways, but we can choose to react differently if we are clear about what’s important to us and can observe what’s happening.  

If the story is “life is full of possibilities” then we will have feelings of ambition and openness to change. If the story is that “life is unfair” the emotions of resentment and resignation can appear.  Emotions result from the stories, thoughts, and assessments we generate.  As the diagram below explains, only by changing the observer that we are (how we interpret the world) will it be possible to change the expectations and ideas that generate the emotional reactions we then experience. We can see that emotions are neither good nor bad. It’s our choice to make them so. It can be helpful to see emotions as an unconscious response to our concerns.

Loyalty makes us want to take care of what the group cares about. Joy reminds us to celebrate the things that are important to us. Pride tells us we have done something that we want to communicate with others. Emotions are not as random as maybe we thought they were. They play an important role in taking care of us and others.

Anger, for example, draws our attention to what is unjust and generates the inside-out energy to address it. The resulting action will not help to correct the injustice if we lose our temper. The focus should be on seeking to understand the purpose of the emotion we are experiencing and its trigger.

Now What?

Imagine that someone in your team is disengaged in their work. Are they bored, preoccupied, or resigned to a situation they feel they cannot change?  The best way to narrow things down is to ask them, but they may not want to share their feelings for fear of embarrassment.  So get them into a conversation and listen to their story to observe their Way of Being (language, mood, and body) and look for the emotion that fits with their story and how they interpret their reality. Are they resentful?  Perhaps they have misunderstood the situation. Are they resigned? Perhaps they are not aware of the opportunities open to them. Are they uncertain about the future?  Perhaps they don’t feel appreciated and are fearful of being sacked. Are they are frustrated that their potential is being ignored? Perhaps they have been promised training or a promotion that has not been honoured.

They are stuck in a mindset of non-acceptance, unable to get clarity, be optimistic, and wonder about a future that they have not requested or declared for themselves. Their emotions and mood state have left them disengaged so that life is leading them, and they are not taking responsibility for their way of thinking, feeling, or acting. The story they are telling themselves may not be true, but it is true for them and the emotions are real.

We can often forget that emotions serve a purpose.  They have value in enabling us to rank the relative importance of thoughts to us. For example, the choices we make are always the result of the depth of emotion attached to a particular thought, event, comment, etc.  The choice will reflect a desire, annoyance, care, frustration and many other emotions.

Practices

1.  Listen to someone speaking and observe their posture and body movements, as well as the words they choose to guess what emotions might be influencing the conversation you are having with them.  See if it suggests questions you can ask to help you connect and improve your rapport.

• Can you sense any sadness, disappointment, resentment, or despondency?  Q: What facts might they not be facing up to or evidence they cannot accept?
• Can you sense any resignation, boredom or ambivalence? Q: What opportunities or alternatives are they not exploring?
• Can you sense any anxiety, frustration or edginess?  Q: What are they uncertain about that is making them fearful?
• Can you sense limitations in their knowledge or resistance to learning? Q: What do they find confusing, dissatisfying or irritating?

2.  When you find yourself experiencing an emotion, reflect on the story you are telling yourself and what you are thinking, seeing or feeling at the time. What is happening inside you that causes you to feel certain emotions?

When you are feeling “helpless, what is the story?   It may not be true that nobody is helping, but what do you gain from believing that it’s true?  Are you seeking comfort? Do you want to be wanted? Are you being ignored?

When you are losing “hope”, what is the story? How would you interpret the feeling? What are you looking or wishing for? Are you unable to make plans or explore possibilities because you are resigned to your situation?

Explore your story for:

• Uncertainty?
• Frustration?
• Ambition?
• Embarrassment?
• Courage?
• Resilience?
• Commitment?
• Choose an emotion you are experiencing at the moment

References

The Unopened Gift by Dan Newby & Lucy Nunez. Dan Newby 2017
Coaching to the Human Soul Vol 2 by Alan Sieler. Newfield Australia 2005