Managing Promises

Whenever we say “yes” to an offer or a request we have created a declaration about the desired future we want to see. This involves making and keeping a promise.  We are committing ourselves to take action to do what we say we will to a given standard and timetable. How we go about agreeing that promise has implications we may not be aware of.

PROMISE =  Proposer  +  Responder  +  Action  +  Time  +  Standard 

When we honour a promise we are agreeing to a set of understandings and expectations that need to be clarified and agreed.  We are giving meaning and action to what is said.  The “what” has to make sense before the action is taken. It has to be more than a nod if we want to make sure we deliver what’s wanted in a given time. In fact, our relationship with time is shaped by how we manage our promises.

When we over-commit (to look good) we can over-promise. If we have not monitored or thought through what is actually needed within the time agreed, it could be too late to renegotiate and trust will be lost. We can find ourselves owing others (be it compensation or endless apologising) just trying to keep up with other people’s expectations and our own failures. 

So What does this mean?

Promises require us to keep our word. We are agreeing to take the action needed as the “responder” to deliver an outcome that is accepted by the “proposer” who made the offer. The same process applies to a request. There is a “proposer” who makes the request of a “responder”, that they trust to take the required action and deliver a satisfactory outcome for them.

To build trust and generate a commitment in others, it’s important to consider the following:

• Who: To whom are you declaring an offer to or request from? For what will they hold you accountable?
• What: Exactly what are you agreeing to do? Have you secured a shared agreement between yourself, the speaker (proposer), and the listener (responder.)
• Time:  When will you be expected to deliver what you promise? Do you have enough time to do it?
• Accountability: Are you willing to hold yourself responsible for delivering the detailed conditions?
• Trustworthiness: Do you trust yourself to be reliable and competent enough to do it to the standard required?
• Context: Are you clear about when and where a promise has been made? Promising to call somebody after receiving a public invitation?

When promises are not sincere and people fail to follow through and honour their commitment this has an impact on the provider’s integrity, competence and reliability.  Assume that the offer/request means a great deal to the proposer. When we say “I’ll see what I can do”, this is not precise enough. It might be interpreted as a promise, but no deadline is stated.  When friends say “I’ll ring you” or “You must come over for a meal sometime” and no action is taken, are they being sincere, reliable or competent?  You are judging them even though they have not made a promise. Always use say exactly what you mean. Concerns can arise to cause a breakdown on both sides.

When a full apology is needed:

• Can you assert that the proposer made a promise?
• Can it be asserted that the provider broke a promise?
• Can you determine the harm or inconvenience the broken promise caused?
• Is the apology and offer that’s made to redress the harm acceptable?
• Is a new promise the best response to regain trust and credibility?

See the practice on Making Powerful Assessments that can be verified or grounded.  What is important when dealing with an apology or a complaint is that it’s the relationship that is most important. Attention to detail helps them flourish. Without them, the actions in numerous promises cannot be coordinated to create a better future for everyone involved.

Now What?

To avoid making mistakes when agreeing to do something for yourself, or anyone else, take a step back and pause to think about what you need to do to make a commitment that will deliver the result required.

Next time you lead a meeting, end it with agreement on the requests and offers made, ensuring they are specific in terms of time, actions to be taken and clear provisions and requirements for each promise. This usually takes the form of next steps list that includes the actions agreed, the person responsible (if more than one person each one must be clear on their actions) and the deadline. This ensures that the envisaged future that is shared is actually realised.

The process outlines what Fernando Flores refers to as a Promise Cycle in a business context, but the principles are the same. It is the prime lever for improving results and creating a better future. Fulfilling our promises to each other leads to “impeccable” coordination of action. The “customer” creates the context in which an offer or request is made.  The actions, timescales, standards and special provisions are negotiated so that when a commitment is made by the “provider” can be performed in ways that will satisfy the customer when declared to be finished.

Practices

1.  Practice making requests in which you include all the above elements in a promise. Namely, a proposer, responder, action, time, standard, provisions, and context.  You are what you repeatedly do. Do you find yourself continuously renegotiating your results and deadlines? How could the Promise Cycle in the diagram above help you manage your commitments?

2. Reflect on a time when you made or broke a promise. What positive and negative results did you observe it having on your:

• Self-esteem
• Trustworthiness
• Relationship
• Success

3.  What reasons/excuses do you offer for letting people down?  (i.e. say one thing and do another, blame others, forgot, unforeseen event, not bothered)  What could you do in future to redesign your life, enabling you to do what you say and take responsibility for your behaviour in all contexts?

• Family and spouse
• Work and career
• Social relationships
• Learning and education

4.  How do you connect commitments at work?  How do they impact on your health and performance? Do you find it difficult to say no to requests? Do you have clarity on your priorities? Do you negotiate alternative time frames?

References

Connect by Lyn Boyer. Affective Leadership 2007

Language and the Pursuit of Happiness by Chalmers Brothers.  New Possibilities 2005

Coaching to the Human Soul Vol 1 by Alan Sieler.  Newfield Australia 2003

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.  Amber-Allen 1997