LIFE LEADERSHIP DOMAINS

MOOD MANAGERS
– Facing Facts
– Exploring Possibilities
– Embracing Uncertainty
– Seeking Growth

REALITY CREATORS
– Emotioning
– Presencing
– Relating
– Languaging

MOVIE MAKERS
– Inner Producer
– Inner Director
– Inner Scriptwriter
– Inner Actor

ENERGY PRODUCERS
– Inside-Out Energy
– Outside-In Energy
– Top-Down Energy
– Bottom-Up Energy

How to make better assessments when agreeing priorities, making promises and coordinating action.

Human beings are unique in that they can coordinate a vast number of complicated and paradoxical actions. We use language to find the common ground that makes this possible.

We use language to make distinctions and declare future actions. It offers us endless possibilities and opportunities to generate new worlds of knowledge and innovative action. It is one of the most powerful tools to create our reality.

Languaging is one of the four domains in Human Ontology that contribute to our Way of Being in the world.  Language enables us to plan and coordinate activities and cooperate with others for mutual benefit.

Languaging is also a unique capacity that humans have for processing their thinking and making new distinctions to understand their world and make sense of the many worlds created by others. 

What is Language?

Language creates our world. It consists of listening and speaking, which are fundamental to how we get things done and make the world a better place.

Languaging is the process we use to have an impact on the world because it generates action, meaning and purpose for our very existence. It’s more than a description of the things we experience, it enables us to have an impact on the world, by gaining trust and cooperation from others.

Lera Boroditski explores language’s role in making sense of the world.

The Mirror Neurons in the brain form the basis for social behaviour, for our ability to imitate, acquire language, and show empathy and understanding. They may also have played a role in the evolution of speech. Mirror neurons were so named because the same neurons are fired up when we take action or observe others taking action.

We learn a lot from copying others, and it helps us make distinctions. A mechanic will hear more of the noise from an engine because the sound is linked to a specific mechanical problem, which they have seen and heard before.

Leading cognitive biologist Humberto Maturana observed that language is a biological phenomenon because it requires the nervous system and our physiology (larynx, facial expression, muscle movement, etc.) to reproduce in the body and communicate what the words mean to the sender.

The nervous system is essential, as it enables us to be at one with our environment and ‘connect’ with each other in mutually beneficial and empathetic ways. Otherwise, our gestures and body language would be meaningless to each other. It is the sharing of meaning and emotions that we attach to the sounds we make. This enables us to create mutual understanding by clarifying our intentions and coordinating our actions.

A New Paradigm for Language

Language is more than words or definitions. The simple act of declaring our acceptance of an offer or a request opens up new possibilities for action and achievement in the future. Conversation exists to facilitate human connection and collaboration through what Maturana calls “ structural coupling.” It’s the brain’s way of creating a social context or environment for the connecting of minds to coordinate action, be it in dancing, jazz music, or teamwork.

Consequently, we dream, love, suffer, decide, achieve and live in language. It enables us to know who we are, what we need and how to take action with others to satisfy our interests. Language effectively creates our reality and brings new ways of being into existence. Different conversations lead to different moods, actions and results. We make what we speak. We are not married until we declare it by saying “I DO” in front of witnesses.

“Your word is the power that you have to create. Through the word, you express your creative power. It is through your words that you manifest everything. Regardless of what language you speak, your intent manifests through the word. The word is not just a sound or a written symbol. The word is force; it is the power you have to create the events in your life.”   – Don Miguel Ruiz

Influential leaders can observe themselves talking to themselves to become more self-aware, self-monitor, and self-responsible and self-directed. We are often self-referential, too, as we talk about ourselves like another person.

For example, Steve would say, “Steve doesn’t do that.”  We can picture ourselves dissociated by adopting an ‘outside-in’ perspective, like a movie director would say to an actor. They see themselves living a story, a movie of their creation.

Our actions are a reflection of how we choose to see ourselves in a context. Our authenticity comes from our whole Way of Being that creates our sense of presence.  It’s an expression of our values, where our integrity is embodied in the language we use, the emotions we display and the actions we adopt. Who we are is “structurally determined” by the patterns of connection in our nervous system  and feels congruent.

Language and Distinctions

Language allows us to declare our intentions, differentiate, and make distinctions. It is crucial to our ability to learn and thrive in any social unit or cultural context.

The Spiral Dynamics Model of human development expresses these distinctions based on socially acceptable values and motivated by desired outcomes (or the avoidance of pain). The distinctions we make can be based on our values and knowledge. We adopt different types of consensual behaviour. Muslim cultures see the world differently from Christian cultures.

The diagram above shows levels of cultural development. It reveals how human values and motivations are shaped by our ability to make distinctions, which reflect different behavioural characteristics. Some cultures struggle to create a language of autonomy and achievement, while others have embedded these values and are now making distinctions through the conversations they have about compassion and harmony.

Distinctions are constantly made and expanded, which can lead to new actions.  Living in caves leads to life in huts and then into houses.  The same human need is satisfied in different ways at different times. Likewise, survival leads to power, order, autonomy, community and then harmony, as deeper and more subtle distinctions are made in the conversations that allow for more sophisticated ways of cooperating for mutual benefit.

It becomes clear that our language enables connections and differences to be embedded in the complex recesses of our minds that make them visible or felt. Complex conversations facilitate collaboration for mutual benefit.

For example, 120-plus companies must collaborate sufficiently to put a mobile/cell phone in their hands. Getting everything to fit together in the right order is a complicated matter.   What makes it complex is the web of arguments, compromises, and decisions that only purposeful conversation can generate.

Companies could never deliver on their declarations or gain agreement on subtle distinctions without conversation.  A mutually beneficial result requires all parties to deliver on their promises and accept full accountability for their actions. We can only do this through a common language.

Procrastinators spend a lot of time describing and analysing problems and deliberating over the best solution instead of taking and modifying the actions needed to create the desired result. Changing your relationship with something or someone is the only way to change the conversation. What else can we do if we want to establish a relationship with someone? We even invent new discussions to produce a new ‘life movie that needs a new ‘script’ and a new ‘director’.

“Language has the concreteness of doing things, it is the coordination of doings which take place in the flow of conversations, which is why I have transformed it into a verb: languaging.”  – Humberto Maturana

Consequently, we use language to bring new worlds into being, worlds of shared understandings, possibilities and actions.   What we can say about languaging the flow of our existence is to use language so that:

• It enables us to live with others and cooperate to get results
• It generates reality through the act of declaring new distinctions
• It helps us to speak and listen with more care to secure cooperation.

Moods and Language

To overcome a mistake or failure and move on, we need the resilience that positive self-talk can create. This mood language requires a mental state that supports acceptance, forgiveness, and gratitude. Moods predispose us to act, speak, and listen in certain ways. Someone who is resigned to their situation is unlikely to be ambitious, use optimistic words, or be open to an alternative Way of Being in the world. 

Consequently, the language we choose is like the script we write to act our part in a movie. It enables us to have new conversations with ourselves and others. It impacts our relationships and creates our public identity. It is important to better observe our language, mood and posture because all three are connected and needed to produce the life we will then experience.  It enables us to focus better and see ourselves as others see us. We can then exert more control over how we show up and perform in different situations.

If we have the Way of Being expected of a leader, we are more likely to find that others will respect our leadership behaviours simply because they feel they know us and trust that we will follow through on what we say. If we are moody, unapproachable, insincere, unreliable or don’t listen, we will never be effective in any context. We must permit other people to tell us the truth about ourselves. The challenge is finding a safe place or context to exchange these “dangerous truths”.

Language and Context

Context does not have to be a physical space, of course. It is often created in a relationship or in the commitments we make to ourselves and others. It is the background against which we assess our actions as authentic and appropriate to the situation we find ourselves in. It gives meaning and authority to what we say. Children will usually accept the decisions of a parent, teacher, police officer, or someone in authority. It is how meaning is given to the events and circumstances we encounter.

It all happens in language, which is shaped by our cultural context. We learn how to connect context with results by copying and practising. Therefore, negotiations with a marriage partner will be different from negotiations in a business relationship. Suppose our context is shaped by a given set of values and beliefs to be seen to have integrity. In that case, they must reflect how we naturally behave, particularly in challenging circumstances.

Before you start a conversation, and if it is important to you, consider some points, such as:

• Will the other person listen?
• Is it a good time to start the conversation?
• Is it the right place?
• Are you interested in the topic at hand?
• And above all, learn to see from where you are speaking and listening.

I am sure you can think of examples in your personal or professional life. You’ve been focusing on making an impression that compromised your values (sometimes financially or in terms of personal dignity). Or maybe you have become so attached to a particular lifestyle that you compromised your health or family time to earn the money needed to support that lifestyle. You may have paid a heavy price for their oversight.

Ultimately, in a relationship that is authentic and meaningful, it’s important to remember to honour who you are and what you care about – not just for your own sake (or the sake of your values), but also for the sake of others who are important to you or look up to you.

The Essence of Languaging

While human beings have a biological structure that enables them to interact and communicate with each other and make sense of the world, the nature of language also enables community engagement and relationships of all kinds. It allows us to observe, participate in and change the world that we experience. Language enables us to make distinctions from which we can share understanding, explore ideas, create plans and coordinate action. They have an impact on what we observe and the world we then experience.

Languaging enables co-existence and the ability to observe, change and perform with a capacity to be self-reflective and conscious and know ourselves as coherent human beings. The word ‘mind’ is used in the diagram below to explain the capacity to observe ourselves observing ourselves. This enables us to set intentions, purposes and concerns within a context.

We don’t then have to be slaves to our structurally determined thoughts, emotions, and habits. This suggests that the mind has a social and relational role that is facilitated through language. For example, we may have a ‘mind’ to tell people what we think but hold back so as not to destroy our need to stay in a relationship with them, as well as with the values, places, and people we care about.

The diagram above shows how when we make distinctions from an ontological perspective, we can see how we observe and interpret them, which influences our behaviour, how we participate in the world, and the results we get.

The words we use become what we believe about our world.  We cannot create these distinctions without language.  Within our culture and professions, we share many distinctions that do not exist for others without the same education or background. The ability to collaborate and work together depends on finding a common language. Similarly, different life experiences and our Way of Being create distinctions that only enable us to assess the results of our actions in terms limited by the observations we can make. An astronomer sees a different sky than an astronomer. It enables them to take other actions to achieve the desired result.

This is the case with someone who can adopt an ontological perspective on the human soul, behaviour and relationships. They understand how a person’s Way of Being or present state (their language, emotions and physiology) shapes what and how they observe themselves, others and the world around them (through their intentions, values and moods), influencing their choices. We cannot intervene in the world or perform as our best selves if we don’t know how to observe and make sense of things. The result we seek is shaped by our way of being, which determines who we are as observers.

Language and Listening

A distinction that can easily be overlooked is the contribution listening plays in internal and interpersonal communication. Effective listening is the most understated human skill. Mastering it can make a big difference in how we work and lead our lives. If we stop listening to the voice in our heads, we notice that we don’t have to think to hear what our minds are generating as they flick from one random thought to another.

When we listen to someone else, their language is usually judgmental, as they make assessments of what the words, body movements, and attitudes mean to them. We interpret their assessments using our own. We find ourselves assertive about what we think is being communicated and will argue that we knew exactly what the other person was saying, even though they are adamant that it was not what they meant. This effectively kills a conversation.

By becoming a more powerful observer of the language we are using and the assumptions we are making. As a result, we can start to shut off the little critical voice and focus attention on ‘listening for’ what could be meant by adopting a mood of wonder rather than judgement. This way we hear more than what we actually ‘listened to’.  Kim Krisco calls this “proactive listening”.

When an assumption appears in your thoughts, question what it could be saying and seek clarification, or entertain an alternative interpretation and question it. By paying attention and wondering, we are more likely to explore the possibility that they have something to offer us. This cannot happen without listening to language confirming our initial assessment.  Watch a video of Julian Treasure explaining how to speak so that people will listen to us.

We are listening to create or invent new distinctions to enhance our understanding and learn something that could help improve our decision-making. But we could just as easily be looking for evidence to prove that we are right and gain approval or support for a decision already made.

The Power of Open Listening 

So, languaging consists of listening and speaking. But this is not just about words; language is in our mood and body posture. All are needed to have effective conversations that allow for agreements, commitments, and trust to be generated. For example, our mood state impacts how we hear the words. A depressed body posture lowers our energy level, and we fail to give the impression that we are listening with an open mind. These cues are subtle yet powerful and deeply influential. We need to speak using our whole body so that we are taken notice of.

When we listen openly, we are engaged in a quest for meaning.  It should be a meaning-making activity which can only happen in language. Only when we can observe the inner conversation through which we make assumptions and judgements, do we realise how we get in the way of truly hearing what others are trying to tell us? After all, we all want to be listened to and understood

Chris Argyris and Peter Senge introduced the idea of using a “Left-Hand Column” where we mentally observe what we wanted to say but couldn’t bring ourselves to say it. It reflects how we maintain emotional control when we are aware of the likely impact if spoken out loud. The meanings we attach to what is said are often emotional reactions, not rational assessments – at least initially.

It is always wise to step back from an angry reaction and consider the facts in the calm light of a new day before we decide to establish our distinctions. We mean the same thing, whether we are listening or speaking. We do so from our distinctions of meaning. Conversations break down when we assume that we share the same meaning, but misunderstandings emerge because assessments are based on different worldviews.

Dialogue or Discussion

The best example of Open Listening is a dialogue. This is a special kind of conversation. It requires us to listen and think simultaneously, which takes practice, as you have probably discovered already. The dialogue follows several simple rules. For example, one person can speak unchallenged, while others listen and can only interject to seek clarification.

Reg Revans encourages this style of conversation in his Action Learning Method, where supportive questioning is allowed as long as it does not challenge the speaker’s underlying value system. We have to do that for ourselves based on insights that question underlying beliefs. You may wish to look at Marshall Rosenberg’s work on Non-Violent Communication to see how to question without judging. The Clean Language method follows similar principles to remove value judgments from questioning.

The purpose of a dialogue is to explore “possibility space” from which hidden meanings and understandings can opened up and then assessed. It allows alternative solutions to emerge, as and when problems or issues are surfaced. A diverse range of thoughts can be generated from one simple statement if the words used can be unpacked to get closer to what was meant, not just what was heard.

In addition to respecting the person who “holds the context,” we must suspend assumptions and our tendency to judge so that everyone’s views can be accepted as equally valid. This is the opposite of a discussion where the focus is on emphasising differences to win over others to your point of view.

In today’s fast-moving world, reflecting on and clarifying what is being said is difficult but necessary to assess our thoughts. But we can then waste time clarifying misunderstandings or recovering the mistakes made by ‘quick fixes’.

The power of meaningful conversations

Fernando Flores, one of the founders of Ontological Coaching, looked into the way language is used to coordinate action, initially in email systems. He observed three types of conversation emerging.

CONVERSATION FOR CONTEXT – to explore the environmental situation and what is of concern or most valued.

CONVERSATION FOR POSSIBILITY – to generate possibilities for action and desired results without committing to any

CONVERSATION FOR ACTION – to establish commitments to produce specific and agreed outcomes

It is helpful when seeking a shared understanding of the basis for coordinated or collaborative action that the parties share where they are coming from and what’s important to them. This helps to identify worldviews, areas of common ground, and key differences that will most likely shape future conversations about possibilities and potential actions.

When we make assessments of ourselves, they tend to take the form of descriptions or explanations as we seek to justify why we act, think, and feel the way we do. These assessments can be the reasons why we believe we are doing the right thing as leaders or coaches in any role.  

However, moving into new roles or situations can challenge existing habits and current ways of thinking and talking. Others’ assessments of our performance can shift, and we may need to acknowledge them to react more positively. The challenge is twofold.

1. Face the facts and notice which aspects of what we are saying and doing are seen by others as inappropriate or ineffective. This is the vital first step in recognising a breakdown in the normal flow of the relationship. It requires us to explore what is occurring in the present without seeking to justify it from our assessments of the past or fears about negative outcomes in the future.

2. Be prepared to explore all reasonable possibilities for change and embrace uncertainties in a state of wonder. This will enable you to identify small changes to create a more positive state of mind and a more productive way of being. Meaningful gradual change is more likely to stick when placed under pressure.

The language becomes more positive and assertive as you grow in confidence that change is possible and improves your relationships with yourself and others. You become more self-aware and self-responsible as you learn to keep promises to yourself and behave with integrity because it feels good to do so. You know you are being your best self.

Language for Action and Accountability

Ludwig Wittgenstein said that “words are deeds,” and we use them to get things done. If I want you to do something for me, I make a request, and if you say yes, we agree that you will take action. If I offer to do something for you and you accept, I am taking action to deliver on a promise I made. Asking becomes a form of doing. Things happen because of language.

The philosopher John Austin developed what has become known as Speech Acts.  They are words that produce an effect as requests and offers do. They are agents of change.  Learning to use a range of Linguistic Acts transformed my management and leadership effectiveness. They can enhance relationships and create new possibilities for future interactions.  They can effectively change old worlds (through improvement and adaptation) and generate new ones (through innovation and transformation).

Stop and reflect on the things you have done over the past few days to make change happen. How did you motivate yourself, rely on or support others, contribute to important decisions, etc?

A conversation for action has a structure that enables the parties involved to know when they have agreed on coordinated action. An effective leader can observe when a conversation is not moving towards an agreement by moving the conversation on to establish an offer or request from which a commitment to act can be negotiated and a promise to deliver then established.  Listening for a commitment to producing a result prompts the leader to explore the steps needed to bring it about. After the action, an assessment is made of the level of satisfaction with the result. In other words, was the result as promised or was the performance unacceptable?

For example, when someone arrives for a meeting, it is appropriate in that context to offer or to request a drink. A negotiation then takes place to establish an agreement on the details required. A “yes” confirms acceptance of a promise by the “provider” who declares that milk and sugar will be added. The customer then assesses the drink. If it does not have sugar, the promise is not fulfilled, and the “customer” may be assertive and declare their dissatisfaction as the sugar is something they care about. The “provider” may then be allowed to apologise for their performance and offer to put things right.

What is happening here is the making of a commitment to act to achieve a valued desired result. Breakdowns occur when there is a lack of clarity leading to a misunderstanding, the resources or skill to deliver are lacking, or the details of a request are not spelt out.

References

Coaching to the Human Soul Vol 1 by Alan Sieler.  Newfield 2012

Reality Isn’t What It Used to Be by Walter Ruett Anderson. Harper 1990

Language and the Pursuit of Happiness by Chalmers Brothers. New Possibilities 2005

The Innovator’s Way by Peter Denning & Bob Dunham. MIT 2010

Understanding Computers and Cognition by Terry Winograd & Fernando Flores 1990

Every Word has Power by Yvonne Oswald. Atria 2008

Words that Change Minds by Shelle Rose Charvet. Success Strategies 1992

Leadership and the Art of Conversation by Kim Krisco. Prema 1997

Navigating Complexity by Arthur Battram. Industrial Society 1996

Connect by Lyn Boyer. Leadership Options 2011