Making a Request

PRACTICE GUIDE – Languaging

What is a Request?

Requests are attempts to have people do things for us.  It’s about seeking and gaining the cooperation of others to accomplish achieving more than we could on our own. How we use requests will influence our Way of Being.  Alan Sieler sees the power of requests in “how we observe the world, the effectiveness of our actions, our identity, and the quality of our existence.”  

We also use requests to do what Fernando Flores refers to as “the coordination of action”. We make requests to secure promises.  They are a way of taking care of the concerns we have. They help us grow as human beings by securing a role for ourselves and expanding our identity in the minds of others. How we make requests, accept them and deliver on what we promise plays a crucial role in establishing trusting relationships. and get the actions needed to produce a result.

So What does this mean?

By making a request we are declaring a future action to be performed by someone else, to serve our intentions. The request must be sincere, in the sense that the assistance is genuinely needed at the time of asking and stays until a result is delivered. As the diagram below shows in some detail, actions involved in delivering a promise that starts with a request and it’s not complete until the person making the request is satisfied with the result as agreed. It could be a simple request for a cup of coffee or a complex contractual relationship, but the principles are the same.  A promise only exists when both parties have the same understanding of what has been asked for and agreed upon.

What we doing with requests is generating future possibilities and bring about new realities.  Requests occur in the context of relationships and so must be done in ways that build trust.  Problems arise when requests are vague or casual. It is vital that the person accepting the request listens carefully to clarify exactly what is wanted to ensure complete satisfaction. Both parties must inhabit the same reality and see themselves performing in the same life movie.  It’s important to know whose “movie” we are performing in. We play a major part when we accept a request.  As a result, if we fail to deliver it will be noticed and affect the relationship. 

Now what?

Requests work best when a shared understanding of what’s wanted is not assumed and there a connection where both parties want sincerity, reliability, and competence to explain what’s wanted and deliver on the promise.  Beware when:

1. Nothing specific is asked for or is asked of a specific person.
2. The precise nature of the actions involved is not specified enough to know exactly what’s wanted.
3. The exact time the task must be completed by.
4. The standards by which satisfaction will be judged are not made clear.
5. Assumptions are made that the terms and expressions used are understood,
6. There is an unwillingness to listen or adopt a caring attitude.

Make sure that:

1. A direct request is spoken to a specific listener.
2. The future action(s) to be performed are specified so the request is clear.
3. A time frame is specified and standards are made explicit.
4. There is a shared understanding of terminology.
5. The emotional context and mood state are conducive to sincerity in the relationships.
6. Care is taken with the language used to build trust and legitimacy.

Practices

1.  Think about two requests you have made recently that did not produce the results you expected. How did you make each request and check with the above elements to see what you omitted? What were the consequences you had to deal with?

See what happens when you apply good practice when making future requests.

2. Consider who you should be making more requests of but hold back.  What is the cost to your relationships?  What steps will you take to overcome your reticence?

3.  In what situations can you decline a request made of you?  What reasons might you have? In what situations might you make a counteroffer or defer your acceptance?

4. To practice, observe how you relate to requests through these questions:

•  Are you cold or warm when making a request? Do you engage only in “safe” requests (requests that are predictably answered with  “yes”)?  Do you use challenging requests to discover what might be possible?
• How do you receive requests? Do you feel overwhelmed, suspicious, grateful to be asked or see it as an opportunity to be supportive? What expectations or fears do you have around receiving a request?
• How long does it take to respond (accept, counteroffer, decline)? What do you need to consider? If you are unable to receive a request, respond to it and act, you are probably unable to make powerful requests yourself.

References

Coaching to the Human Soul Vol 1 by Alan Sieler.  Newfield Australia 2003

Understanding Computers and Cognition by Terry Winograd & Fernando Flores.  Ablex 1990