The most effective leaders are deeply aware of how their presence impacts every dimension of their leadership. The philosopher Jürgen Habermas proposed, that to accomplish anything of worth or value we must think differently in key domains of competence. I refer here to the “WE” domain that generates bottom-up energy. Like the other energy sources, it is based on our ability to observe ourselves “in a relationship” with other people and things. It’s about our capacity to develop and maintain long-term, mutually satisfying and productive relationships. None of us can achieve our goals without the help and cooperation of others.  This is why we work more effectively in teams.

Relationship Systems

We are all born into and belong to systems of relationships. As we grow we join many others, such as schools, clubs and workplaces. In each system, we search for our place and learn how to pick up the unwritten rules. You bring these influences, experiences and loyalties from a past system into the present.

Relating requires a different lens to look through, which enables you to connect with a bigger picture that goes beyond individual, group or team. It gives you a very practical way of understanding the flow of a relationship that impacts your Way of Being. For example, you will have found some managers overbearing people or their leadership style aggressive. Perhaps the experience left me exhausted from burning out. You can come away feeling bruised and resentful. You may even have worked in a culture of fear or an abusive relationship. This may have left you cynical and unable to behave with integrity.

You gradually develop an internal map where everything and everybody has their place. This generates a deep awareness, an innate capacity, to adapt to the demands of different types of relationships, finding a way to fit in to how things happen and what is expected.

Social Networks

Listen to Matthew Liebermann in the video below as he explains the source of our social nature and its importance in enabling us to perform and experience success and well-being.  We have a social/emotional network in the brain that works alongside the analytical one that processes our thoughts. We are motivated to share our knowledge and experience.  

But we don’t always appreciate the value of relationships in every aspect of our lives. We perform better when we learn from direct experience that is shared with others.  Effective leaders know this. If you want to learn quickly and efficiently, teach what you have learned to others.

None of us can achieve our goals without the help and cooperation of others. This is why we cluster in groups, teams and organisations, joining clubs and forming partnerships. The essence of a successful relationship, in any context, is openness and appreciation. Even soldiers on the battlefield fight for each other and are heroes when they seek to protect each other ahead of themselves. We serve each other in different situations for mutual benefit.

We trust when we care about the same things

Relationships work well when language, moods, and behaviours serve a shared purpose in a context they all care about. Caring means respecting and accepting the validity of other people’s worldviews. Sharing worldviews through open conversation leads to “long-term, mutually satisfying relationships.” To live in a world of diverse and opposing assessments we must ground our assessments and control our emotions to build trust.

“People trust when they feel able to trust. They are making a bet that everything will turn out well”  – Robert Dunham

We are strongly influenced by someone’s presence when deciding to trust them or not. Brene Brown talks about the need for clarity in setting boundaries to the context we are focusing on so that we can hold people to account for what they say and do. Competence and reliability matter. Sincerity is also important in that people don’t gossip or share information that they don’t own, just to curry favour. Integrity is also valued in that we want people to do what is morally right, not just do what is legally convenient. This can be observed in non-judgemental language and generosity of spirit – a willingness to go the extra mile to make sure the result is satisfactory to other parties.

Assessments are also being made about the risks involved in the relationship and how well any breakdowns will be managed. Experience and personal history are a factor in this. Everyone relies on body signals to decide whether to trust, or not, in face-to-face conversations, but feelings also have to be set against verifiable facts. Anonymity undermines trust, we like to know who we are dealing with. This is particularly important when operating through social media.

Turning disruptions and breakdowns into learning opportunities

Life’s small encounters and how we deal with them can provide invaluable opportunities for us to influence and provide leadership. To take advantage of these moment-to-moment interactions we must know how to converse to take thoughts, actions and emotions in new directions. Conversations provide unique opportunities to guide, offer clarity, inspire, and introduce urgency or creativity to shape the course of events in the present moment.

The skill involves presence. The ability to present a confident and energised ‘Way of Being’ that is perceived by others as helpful or influential. The action is in the power of observing, assessing, and declaring an action or interaction that could deliver a common goal.

This skill is vitally important in a world where phone calls, emails, meetings, short encounters and text messages with questions to answer, concerns to address, problems to solve and disputes to sort out. These can be seen as leadership for life-changing moments. The danger is to dismiss casual encounters as distractions when for others they might be critical to their commitment or ability to perform effectively on your behalf.

We seldom offer help to those we cannot connect with for whatever reason. At the core of the interaction is usually an issue, concern or opportunity. It is best seen as an opportunity to build trust in our shared intentions, actions, and values. The start point is to:

1. Listen carefully and actively, observing embodied reactions – making sense of what you are sensing

2. Help frame the issue so it is clearly understood – giving it a context that meaningful

3. Bring a sense of focus on and urgency to the required action – giving it your undivided attention

4. Create confidence that the next step is the right one – adopting an optimistic mood state

5. Be clear about who owns the issue – you, me or us

Focus on developing skills that will help deal with increased visibility, responsibility and pressure when accepting responsibility. Unless we love the thought of dealing with difficult demands, we will not be motivated to master the skills needed to engage others.

Inside-out meets outside-in energy

We are most effective when we are in a close relationship with our environment. We are only able to live and lead in a viable and sustainable environment. Leaders are effective when they connect with the context and make it their own to seek quality relationships with all the people involved.

Feelings of connection are about a shared awareness, a focus on common values and mutual interest. There has to be a willingness to communicate openly and coordinate action to achieve common goals. This enables us to adapt, survive and flourish in what could otherwise be a hostile environment. The dynamic here is in the way you as leader and follower allow yourself to be influenced and willing to listen and learn from each other to a point of view that accepts that we all live in different worlds. Compromise comes from being prepared to modify our way of perceiving the world.

“If one is leading, teaching or any other activity that involves influencing, directing, guiding helping or nurturing, the whole tone of the relationship is conditioned by one’s faith in human possibilities.”  – Joseph Jaworski

My website seeks to show you how to make an impact by just listening to yourself as you make counter-arguments and generate ideas in your head (your inner Producer) that another part of your plans to carry out (your inner Actor). This happens when your observer (your inner Director) convinces you to change your behaviour.

The reverse can also happen when what your ‘actor’ is doing doesn’t feel right or produces a response that your ‘director’ feels isn’t working for you. You will discover more on the website that explains the process of ‘Structured Coupling’ and ‘Implicate Order’. You gain a better understanding of the relationship between the material world and consciousness, and how this distinction allows us to see “separation without separateness while seeing the wholeness and interconnectedness of human existence. After all, we have one mind that can generate millions of separate thoughts and connect them.

Communicating from the heart

Despite what some people say, all communication is personal. You choose what you say and the way you say it. You also choose what you listen to and how you will react and interpret it. If you care about what others will feel and think, then you will pay attention to the language you use, the mood you are in and body gestures and posture you adopt. When you speak and act from the heart you will make stronger connections with other people and achieve more satisfaction from your encounters. We all want to feel liked and listened to.

“As we let our light shine, we unconsciously permit other people to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”  – Marianne Williamson

If you lead your life from your heart as well as your head, you are more likely to do the right thing, not just the smart or politically correct thing. Prime Minister, Theresa May discovered this in her reaction to the Grenfell Tower disaster in London. You are reflecting on how your moment-to-moment actions could impact other people involved or who could be affected by your words or actions.

Remember that first and foremost you are accountable to yourself., which means you have to know yourself – What matters to you? But you also benefit in the relationship from coming across as caring and respectful of people’s feelings.

Why should you take leadership of your own life?  My website challenges you to clarify your understanding of who you are, what matters to you and how you can learn how you deal with difficult issues and dangerous truths. You can always be better at relating if you want to see alternative ways of being that value others and human beings first. Leaders accept this challenge as a vehicle for personal growth.

Mastery only comes from practice.  Lots of it. This means not giving up, and remaining committed and resilient when things get tough. You can always take simple steps to be better at creating and sustaining productive and meaningful relationships.  It makes the world go round – both in your personal life and at work. The most important competency for life and leadership is learning which is your strongest asset, words, feelings or actions when you have the passion and commitment to take on real challenges. There is joy when you push yourself to the limit and succeed.  Ask any athlete or business leader. But there is no peace of mind if it happens at the expense of human health or relationships.

Do you get pleasure from seeing the potential in others and lifting them to a new level of performance?  As a Leader for Life, you can do this for yourself as well as others. Develop your unique Way Of Being so that it works for you and your relationships. You are simply thinking about what you can give than what you can get from deftness of touch, an appreciative mood, and an open mind. They are skills that can be practised and developed to enhance your life and leadership responsibilities. 

References

Touchpoints by Douglas Conant & Mette Norgaard – Jossey-Bass 2011

A Simpler Way by Meg Wheatley and Myron Kellner-Rogers. Berrett-Koehler 1996

The Innovator’s Way by Peter Denning and Robert Dunham. MIT 2010

The 8th Habit by Stephen R Covey. FranklinCovey 2004

Brave the Wilderness by Brene Brown.  Vermillion 2017

The Evolution of Cooperation by Robert Axelrod. Basic 1984

Shifting the Patterns by If Price & Ray Shaw. Management Books 1998

Synchronicity by Joseph Jaworski.

Building Trust by Robert Solomon & Fernando Flores

A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. Thorsons 1996

Coaching by James Flaherty.  Elsevier 2005